So You Think You Can Write Like Shakespeare?

Did you ever have a day where it seemed like everything that could possibly go wrong did, in fact, go horribly wrong but, at the end of the day and only after spending countless frustrating hours trying to make everything right, all those things that went completely wrong righted themselves and all that time you spent trying in vain to do the righting turned out to be entirely inconsequential?


As a literary device, I really dislike cosmic irony. It is an outdated form of expression and should have been relegated to sitcoms and poorly drawn comic strips eons ago. Yet, here we are in the twenty-first century and you can flip open the pages of anyone's life and spot innumerable instances of poorly executed cosmic irony in every chapter.

I know it's a classic but, honestly, it's time to move on to some more elegant and enlightened literary devices. Why not give juxtaposition a try? It is, in my opinion, a far more effective means of making a point. If you feel the need to get creative, there's always the ever-popular alliteration. Looking for something that can be used in a slightly more cynical context? Try hyperbole. Feeling like you can match wits with the greatest? Wrap it all up in a neat little box and allow iambic pentameter to tie the bow before delivery. The choices are practically unlimited!

So please, the next time you feel the need for a little cosmic irony, think about us little folk and consider using an alternative means of demonstrating your satirical omnipotence.



Like it or not, Pixels for Thought.

I Say, Where Did You Purchase That Stylish Hat?

Among the most essential of all items to an international traveler, the simple household bucket has a myriad of uses, both practical and perhaps somewhat less so. In fact, it might even be said that the nimble bucket is one of the most basic necessities of life, absolutely fundamental to our very existence.

It can, for example, be used as a convenient holder for various personal belongings while making your way through security checkpoints at the airport. Quality buckets are typically quite rugged and can withstand repeated use under the harshest conditions. Where regular luggage fails, a bucket will remain as dependable as man's best friend.

Not many people realize this, but a bucket can actually save your life! In the event of a terrorist takeover on the airplane, simply grasp your bucket firmly by its handle and introduce the terrorist's face to your bucket's shiny exterior proportions.

Traditionally, one finds countless uses for a bucket at the beach. Should you find yourself near a beach during your vacation, your bucket will undoubtedly offer multiple opportunities for enhancing your enjoyment. There's the ever-classic sand castle building tool and, of course, what is a sand castle without a moat? Your bucket will faithfully carry the saltiest of water to fill your moat. Don't forget the sea monster! Collect him in your bucket to keep him safe during transportation. Oh, did your traveling companion just suggest returning to the hotel? What a party-pooper. Your bucket will happily aid in the spiteful salt water soaking ritual.

Speaking of water-soaking, there is always the chance that the weather makes the unpopular decision to rain on your vacation. Try to look on the bright side: There's nothing quite as fun as running through the streets in the rain, getting soaked to the bones and jumping in every last puddle with the aim of further soaking your traveling companions. To that end, your bucket can be used as a rain-collector. Dump the water on your friends now, or store it for drinking after the rainy season. A prepared traveler is a happy traveler.

In the event that your international vacation takes a turn for the worst, a bucket can be used as an emergency "get him out of our country" card. Simply invert the bucket and place it atop your head. Funny faces and intensely aberrant behavior will expedite the process.

Philosophically speaking, a bucket has intrinsic value to its owner. Should a psychiatrist attempt to steal your bucket from you and lock it away in a very small space, your bucket would greatly appreciate any attempt to preserve its dignity. Biting may be required.

Every traveler likes to bring home souvenirs of their journeys. As you leave the sanitarium bound for the airport, your bucket can function as a handy basket allowing you to collect various memories off the streets. A wad of gum, a half-bent coin, a scrap of yesterday's newspaper. One man's trash is another man's treasure.

I hope now you see the incredible usefulness of the common household bucket. Akin to the wheel, it is surely one of the most innovative inventions to come out of the imagination of mankind. So as you prepare to depart, keep these words in mind and please, don't forget to bring a bucket.



Like it or not, Pixels for Thought.

It's Always The Door

Question: What does the phrase "big picture" mean to you?



Do all the details together make it?
Or is it larger than the sum of its parts?






I never liked history as a subject in school. I'm still not particularly fond of it, however I have recently come to the realization that it is not so much the topic I dislike, but rather the method in which it is frequently presented.

What is history? To the student, history is a burly assortment of scattered facts picked by a blindfolded professor right out of the timeline of human existence (as if he or she had a God-given right to do so), condensed and compressed into an ominous black thunder cloud until it is practically bursting at the seams, then coalesced into something known as a textbook (imagine that), on the cover of which is written either a wholly insufficient and indescriptive title (a la "American History") or one so remarkably conceited that, by the end of it, you feel like you've already read the textbook in its entirety and feel no more illuminated for it ("The Whole Entirety of American History: Revolution, Morality, Ethics, Religion, and Food, as Written by, Co-Authored by, Translated by, Spell-Checked by, Butchered by, and Ultimately Determined by Some French Guy Who Happened to Observe an American Tourist Strolling Casually Past his Flat One Thursday Afternoon on the Fifth of March"), which is how it is finally presented to the student in some kind of divine order (typically chronological) so as to, hopefully, teach a human lesson. After all, to get where we are going, we have to remember where we've been, right? (Do you remember where you stepped into this paragraph anymore?)

But what does all that really mean in the grand scheme of things? The facts and dates are scrupulously taught to the sponge-like student who is expected to later duplicate them on paper in exacting detail, but how does that help anyone?

"You," the stern-looked professor said, singling out a student, "on what day and by whom was the first shot of the American Revolution fired?"

"April nineteenth, seventeen seventy five at the Battle of Lexington and Concord," the student dutifully regurgitates, "but it is unknown who actually fired it."


Well that's just fine and dandy but--and I really mean this--I don't care.

(gasp)

I know, I know, I'm sorry. No, wait, not really and, at the risk of offending every teacher who has ever presumed to teach me anything, I'll say it again: I don't care.

Try asking me about its effect on the lives of the people surrounding that event. Maybe ask me how it changed civilization, society, and our culture, for better or worse, and how causality has created an endless wave of consequences throughout the timeline, like the ripples from a stone thrown into a pond. If you're daring, you may ask me how I feel about what took place, how I can either justify it or condemn the actions and morality of the individuals involved. But most importantly, don't forget to ask me about the ideas, those bottled up with ever-increasing pressure in the minds of the people, which ultimately could not be contained and burst forth as the ignition source of radical action.

Show me the big picture, or show me the door.



Like it or not, Pixels for Thought.

Do What You Like, Like What You Do

Remember Fun Dip? That stuff was awesome. You always knew it was summer when there was a pouch of Fun Dip to be opened. And if there was a glass of Kool-Aid nearby too, well!

Stepping out of the car, your skin feels a sudden drop in temperature. The wind has picked up and brings with it a quiet scent. Upwards your eyes and ears train themselves; you can feel it coming. And then, a soft rumbling in the distance.

Ever notice how things don't always work out quite like you had planned? What are you doing on this first day of summer? Are you where you expected you would be? Are you with who you expected you would be with? Are you living the life you had always thought you'd be living? Did you hit your mark? Are you even within driving distance of your goals? I can tell you, I'm about seventy thousand light-years away from mine.

The light gradually fades from the sky as the clouds move in from the west. The rumbling grows louder, closer, signaling its imminence. A flash of lightning, and the sky opens up.

Look ahead at the entire length and breadth of your summer for a moment. What do you see yourself doing? Have you made any progress at the end of it? Have you made new friends, found a new job, a new home, or improved your life at all? Has someone improved your life for you? Did you forget to thank them?

The clouds slowly pass overhead. The pitter patter of the rain gradually subsides and the sun shows its glowing face one last time. It sets the sky ablaze in a vibrant orange display, spreading its wings and reaching out with its breath to send warm words of parting as it confidently lays itself down. Even the leaves in the trees are unable to stop this final fiery burst of brilliance.

Can you remember the most fun you ever had in a summer? Undoubtedly it's a memory from your childhood, as summers had real meaning in those days, but what made it so special? Was it an event, was it a person, or maybe a group you were with? Do you still do those kinds of things? Why not? What has changed? Must it?

The sun's hands race gently across the grass, its fingers spread wide. The rain turns to vapor, reaching up from the ground to the sky from which it came. A foggy mist now hangs overhead. The sun has set in the west, leaving behind a trail of softly glowing clouds. From muted hues, the darkness slowly rises in the east to fill the gaps left by the sun. The air comes to life with the echoes of a rainforest as fowl and beast sing lullabies to their young.

When was the last time you laid yourself down on the grass and, eating Fun Dip and staring up at the clouds, named the various things you saw up there in the sky? When was the last time you executed a perfect cannonball into a populated pool? When was the last time you draped a blanket over your shoulders and singlehandedly took on all the boogeymen at once? Or maybe you still do these things?

The remnants left by the storm drip melodically from the leaves and the glow of the streetlights is scattered by the slowly settling vapor in the air.

Should we still do these things?

And a cat sleeps quietly on the windowsill, blissfully ignorant of it all.


On this first day of summer.




Like it or not, Pixels for Thought.

And Sometimes Y

Ever notice how those graphing calculators from our school days have this peculiar way of committing suicide by causing the batteries inside to leak deadly acid all over their delicate little electronic brains?


So it's time for a new computer. I've heard a lot about these new-fangled quad and octa core processors, but I think I can one-up that. You see, AMD just spent a ton of money to acquire the manufacturing specifications for these brand new chips based on the well-known "snack strong" process. They've just been released to the public and I intend to get my hands on one. Or three.

Rumor has it that these cpu's come bundled with all sorts of bonus goodies for optimizing the performance of your system.

Actually, I bet I can get all the new hardware I'll need for free if I look in the right places!

There's just one problem with this. These new chips run so hot that I'm going to need some serious cooling power to make sure they don't melt everything they come in contact with. But hey, this is me we're talking about! And, wouldn't you know it, I have the perfect cooling solution in mind. Take a gander at my genius:

Now, while I'm at it, I figure I might as well give myself a good monitor upgrade too. I'll go out and buy a couple state-of-the-art semi-liquid plasma displays! Ah, I can just picture it now. There I'll be, playing the latest and greatest, super graphics-intensive game on my new dual monitors:




And, finally, for the finishing touch I will need to add a bit of flash to my new case so it's pleasing to look at. Blue LED's are all the rage at the moment, but I'm way ahead of the times. I've already got the next big thing in case lighting! That's right, three or four of these babies and no detail in my new computer will go unnoticed. In fact, the light will be so blindingly bright that it'll become one of the few landmarks that can actually be seen from space!




Plan B:




Y moonlights as a vowel. I moonlight as a blogger. What do you moonlight as?



Like it or not, Pixels for Thought.

Yukon Ho!

Broadcasting to you through the noise of the cities, Northward bound. This is Jon Quixote, jacking out.




My tiger friend has got the sled,
And I have packed a snack.
We're all set for the trip ahead.
We're never coming back!

We're abandoning this life we've led!
So long, Mom and Pop!
We're sick of doing what you've said,
And now it's going to stop!

We're going where it snows all year,
Where life can have real meaning.
A place where we won't have to hear,
"Your room could stand some cleaning."

The Yukon is the place for us!
That's where we want to live.
Up there we'll get to yell and cuss,
And act real primitive.

We'll never have to go to school,
Forced into submission,
By monstrous, crabby teachers who'll
Make us learn addition.

We'll never have to clean a plate,
Of veggie glops and goos.
Messily we'll masticate,
Using any fork we choose!

The timber wolves will be our friends.
We'll stay up late and howl,
At the moon, till nighttime ends,
Before going on the prowl.

Oh, what a life! We cannot wait,
To be in that arctic land,
Where we'll be masters of our fate,
And lead a life that's grand!

No more of parental rules!
We're heading for some snow!
Good riddance to those grown-up ghouls!
We're leaving! Yukon Ho!

~ Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes




Like it or not, Pixels for Thought.

Why

Innumerable.
Unlimited.
Infinite.
Countless.

I can count the stars in the sky.







I can count the stars in the sky!!



...I'll soon fix that.


Like it or not, Pixels for Thought.

Quoth the Raven, 'Nevermore'

Blue screen of death. Honestly, haven't they fixed that yet?! It's only like the most reported Windows bug of all time!


...Wait, what?

...It's not actually a...

...Are you sure?

...Seriously??

...Alright...


Blue screen of death. Windows sucks. The end.




...Okay, maybe not quite the end. You see, I can't seem to get Windows working again since last night's defrag, and my patience for such things just isn't what it was before I started using an operating system that actually works. All I wanted was to build a new playlist to sync to my iPhone! Is that too much to ask? But nooOOOOooooo, Windows, being the evil Microsoft product that it is, was feeling lonely and neglected since my switch to Ubuntu and decided to exact some old-school revenge.

Of course, it doesn't help any that the machine in question just so happens to be trying to boot Vista. The poor thing.

In all fairness, though, it's not entirely Microsoft's fault. It's only ninety eight thousand percent Microsoft's fault. The other hundred and forty two billion percent of the blame lies with Creative Labs for being one of the worst managed companies around. Seriously, people, how about releasing a set of drivers that don't cause everyone's computers to explode in a brilliant ball of superheated gas, our keyboards to spontaneously melt as if dipped in that green acid which gave the Joker his sparkling smile, and all of our bases to belong to some guy in Russia who has nothing better to do with his time but hack into the totally unsecured graduate mainframes of colleges half the world away.




Boy, I tell you, sometimes it seems like the whole world's gone completely bonkers.








At least there's still Linux.


Go get 'em, Tux.




Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing spreadsheets.
Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer,
I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store,
Only this and nothing more.

Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing,
Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more.
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave not token.
"Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!"
One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more,
Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.
Carefully I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises.
The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more.
Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more,
From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

With fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key.
But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before.
Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore,
Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

I tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again, but twice as hard.
I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore.
Now in mighty desperation, trying random combinations,
Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before.
Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before.
Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted.
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And there I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night.
A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core.
The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore.
Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

To this day I do not know the place to which lost data go.
What demonic nether world us wrought where lost data will be stored,
Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes?
But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,
You will be one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore,
Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

~ Unknown Author




Like it or not, Pixels for Thought.

"Also, I Can Kill You With My Brain"

So Coleman saw fit to replace, at their expense, all the items that were missing from Monday's shipment. They just shipped the replacements today via USPS, and I have absolutely no idea if they will arrive in time thanks to their remarkable failure to give me a tracking number.

Brilliant.

I bought one or two more last thought items for my camping trip from Walmart today because Home Depot wanted me to pay six dollars for a dust pan and does not yet stock citronella candles. While there, I ran into an old buddy of mine, Clarence, who used to work at Home Depot's Pro Desk. We had a nice chat about all of us who have recently found that there is, in fact, life after Home Depot, despite what the management would have us believe, and that gosh darn it wouldn't you know, it ain't half bad!


Speaking of Home Depot...

Tips for running a successful business from someone who knows absolutely all there is to know about running successful businesses:

1. Do not fire your employees for something they allegedly were seen doing from the other end of the building, through twenty isles, and around a corner by someone who wears glasses thicker than the glass holding back the vacuum of space on the International Space Station, especially when such tall talk is heard from a very reliable source through a slightly less reliable intermediary channel who got it from an infamous and completely unreliable bumbling lunatic.


2. Do not stand outside the building waiting for your employees to arrive for their daily shift to tell them that they needn't punch in just so you can see the looks on their faces of simultaneous joy at finally having a day off and absolute horror when the realization sets in that their lives are governed by an enormous beast which requires endless sacrifices of green paper to satiate its incredible thirst and keep its left and right arms, fingers, toes, and middle fingers at bay


3. ...and then wonder why there's no one in your store to help your customers, who promptly walk out the door and across the street to your competition.


4. Do not deprive your employees of hours so that your gross profit margin ratio is higher than every other store's in the district so you can earn an obscenely large bonus at the end of the year and that all expenses paid vacation to any Caribbean island of your choosing.


5. Do not tell the remaining three employees under your command that they each need to work eight times as hard to compensate for all the people who "called out" that day.
   


6. Do not deny your employees time off on every major holiday of the year, spanning twelve different cultural and religious calendars.


7. Do not, when an employee comes to tell you that he or she is quitting and has found a new job, try to convince him or her that quitting would not be in their best interest because your brother owns a business which competes directly with that new job of theirs and will surely buy them out in a year or two's time.


8. Do not treat your employees as if their brain cavity was filled with: Copper wiring and microcircuitry, mashed potatoes, or dark matter.

...I'm not bitter.



But speaking of bitterness...

Tips for those who wish to quit a job whose management exhibits one, several, or all of the fatal flaws (fatal to you, not the management) outlined above, from someone who has succeeded:

1. You know that two weeks of vacation time you've got saved up? Request it. Note how much sick time you have on the books while you're at it.


2. Once your vacation time has been approved, there is a very good chance that you will take ill. Fate just has a way of conspiring against you that way.
   


3. While enjoying your latest bout with that nasty stomach virus that's been going around, feel free to enjoy a good book. I recommend The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams. Other interesting ways to pass the time in between trips to the bathroom include:
   
   • Taking a hiking trip; there's nothing like the great outdoors to help one recover from sudden illness.
   • Renting a kayak and finding the nearest lake to paddle on; the doctor did say that you should get plenty of fluids.
   • Go for a run; a vigorous workout always helps me get well quicker.
   • Bring a friend! You should have known that these types of illnesses are highly contagious. What were you thinking?
     


4. On the last day of work before your two weeks of vacation begin, find an assistant manager who is unaware of your impending vacation and give them your two week's notice.


5. Begin enjoying your life after Home Depot, or whatever other bonds you are freeing yourself from.

No power in the 'verse...

Hammocks are awesome.

Everyone, upon entering this world, should be given a hammock and two trees to string it between. Hammocks come in many flavors: There are some for affixing to trees, some which utilize a stand, and some for traveling. Some hammocks are built for one person, and others are built for two. If you don't already own a hammock, you should acquire one right now. If you do own a hammock, then why are you reading this instead of swinging in it?!*


*If you are reading this from a laptop or other mobile device while swinging in your hammock, then you may disregard my prior criticism as it was not intended for you.


Like it or not, Pixels for Thought.

Caution: Trip Hazard

The final package arrived today. It came a bit later than I had expected, but it's here in one piece....Wait, no it's not!



One layer of tape was insufficient!




A second layer of tape was applied, and was also insufficient!





The top was half opened because the first two layers of tape were insufficient!





Consequently, the smaller items had all fallen out!




And I used to like UPS.

Businessmen gather around a long, narrow table for their weekly board meeting. They are mostly dressed in solid black suits, with the occasional rebellious pinstripe. A secretary delivers coffee and one very expensive thirteen shot venti soy hazelnut vanilla cinnamon white mocha with extra white mocha and caramel. This particular drink costs more than the secretary will make this evening. Once the excitement dissipates, a projector comes to life and the board director opens:

"Now, ladies and gentlemen, how could this have happened? Let us analyze some possible scenarios so that we may prevent such unfortunate mishaps in the future:"

Scenario 1: While packaging the materials, the child was unable to reach the top of the box and was, as a result, unable to properly seal the top closed.

Solution for Scenario 1: Enforce child labor laws!!

A Slightly More Plausible Scenario 2: An adult worker is now in charge of packaging the materials and, being paid less than minimum wage, only concerns himself with packaging quality up to two separate taping attempts. Upon failure of his second taping attempt, his shoulders met his neck exhibiting the tell-tale slightly-less-than-concerned shrug and he sent the package on its merry way, destined to spill its contents across the continental United States from Wichita, Kansas to the Northeastern States.

Solution for Scenario 2: I think this one is quite obvious, but I'll say it anyway for the less intuitive readers. Provide better dental benefits to employees! Dirty mouth? Proper tooth care results in a happier, cleaner feeling mouth, which is reflected in all the bright smiles of each and every worker as they carefully and dutifully fill, seal, and ship hundreds of packages a day while looking forward to the end-of-shift whistle only to return home to a messy apartment a quarter the size it should be, a distraught wife sewing fabric to sell on eBay, and seven little bees buzzing up and down the walls leaving their dirty little footprints all over the furniture because someone reported a child labor law violation and now they're stuck at home all day.

Least Plausible of All Scenarios, Scenario 3: It was nobody's fault, the package just happened to come undone somewhere en route, and they'll very likely ship me replacement parts when I call them tomorrow morning.

Little Maddy tripped today.
"I'm okay," she said, "I'm okay!"
Drop of blood, apply band-aid.

Little Maddy fall, go boom.
Ambulance ride.


Like it or not, Pixels for Thought.

Cat Food Emergency

For all the two and a half people who have actually read (past tense) my blog Jon Quixote was There! A day in the life of a Therian avatar the past couple years, there's really no need for me to explain my extremely esoteric, flagrantly flamboyant, abundantly absolute, decidedly dislocated and never ever even one tiny bit sarcastic yet nevertheless unabridgidly ubiquitous method of pontification.

For the rest of you, if you haven't already, this would be a perfect opportunity to experiment with Google's fabulous "Next Blog" feature at the top of this page.

Right then, down to business. This here is what we refer to as a "creative outlet". This almost guarantees that every single idea and concept written down here is, in some form or another, exaggerated upon, delineated, dramatized, misconceived, trans-interpreted, otherwise skewed, or just plain good old fashioned made up. Take all of it to heart. Reflect upon it. Allow it to penetrate your inner soul and it will enrich you, I promise.

Ben & Jerry's in the freezer, chicken on the grill, tuna in the sandwich, and not an ounce of cat food in sight! The poor things would have starved had I not made a trip to the supermarket at ten o'clock tonight! They only eat the good stuff.



In other news, it looks as if the final supplies for my excursion up North will be arriving sometime tomorrow via UPS! This means it's almost time to pack. The Old Farmer's Almanac had better be right about the weather this month. I love the rain and all, but have you ever tried to start a camp fire in it? Further updates as events warrant.

Most of the challenges in life are the ones we create for ourselves. I am particularly adept at creating such challenges and, to a lesser extent, at finding some way to overcome them. This trip to New Hampshire was spawned out of an immediate need for less structure and logical planning in my life. If you're lucky, you might just get to see a few photographs of the gorgeous White Mountains in the coming weeks. If I'm lucky, it might not be just another dead end. Keep an eye out for links to my Flickr page for the pretties.

Final warning: Any intelligent thoughts which may inexplicably escape and find their way in here from time to time usually are coincidental. If you read closely enough, however, in the process of deconstructing these chaotic thoughts and sifting through my tendency to over-embellish, you just might discover something of value. Then again, you could also come to realize that I've simply found a creative way of wasting your time.


Like it or not, Pixels for Thought.