Friday, July 18, 2008

So You Think You Can Write Like Shakespeare?

Did you ever have a day where it seemed like everything that could possibly go wrong did, in fact, go horribly wrong but, at the end of the day and only after spending countless frustrating hours trying to make everything right, all those things that went completely wrong righted themselves and all that time you spent trying in vain to do the righting turned out to be entirely inconsequential?


As a literary device, I really dislike cosmic irony. It is an outdated form of expression and should have been relegated to sitcoms and poorly drawn comic strips eons ago. Yet, here we are in the twenty-first century and you can flip open the pages of anyone's life and spot innumerable instances of poorly executed cosmic irony in every chapter.

I know it's a classic but, honestly, it's time to move on to some more elegant and enlightened literary devices. Why not give juxtaposition a try? It is, in my opinion, a far more effective means of making a point. If you feel the need to get creative, there's always the ever-popular alliteration. Looking for something that can be used in a slightly more cynical context? Try hyperbole. Feeling like you can match wits with the greatest? Wrap it all up in a neat little box and allow iambic pentameter to tie the bow before delivery. The choices are practically unlimited!

So please, the next time you feel the need for a little cosmic irony, think about us little folk and consider using an alternative means of demonstrating your satirical omnipotence.



Like it or not, Pixels for Thought.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

I Say, Where Did You Purchase That Stylish Hat?

Among the most essential of all items to an international traveler, the simple household bucket has a myriad of uses, both practical and perhaps somewhat less so. In fact, it might even be said that the nimble bucket is one of the most basic necessities of life, absolutely fundamental to our very existence.

It can, for example, be used as a convenient holder for various personal belongings while making your way through security checkpoints at the airport. Quality buckets are typically quite rugged and can withstand repeated use under the harshest conditions. Where regular luggage fails, a bucket will remain as dependable as man's best friend.

Not many people realize this, but a bucket can actually save your life! In the event of a terrorist takeover on the airplane, simply grasp your bucket firmly by its handle and introduce the terrorist's face to your bucket's shiny exterior proportions.

Traditionally, one finds countless uses for a bucket at the beach. Should you find yourself near a beach during your vacation, your bucket will undoubtedly offer multiple opportunities for enhancing your enjoyment. There's the ever-classic sand castle building tool and, of course, what is a sand castle without a moat? Your bucket will faithfully carry the saltiest of water to fill your moat. Don't forget the sea monster! Collect him in your bucket to keep him safe during transportation. Oh, did your traveling companion just suggest returning to the hotel? What a party-pooper. Your bucket will happily aid in the spiteful salt water soaking ritual.

Speaking of water-soaking, there is always the chance that the weather makes the unpopular decision to rain on your vacation. Try to look on the bright side: There's nothing quite as fun as running through the streets in the rain, getting soaked to the bones and jumping in every last puddle with the aim of further soaking your traveling companions. To that end, your bucket can be used as a rain-collector. Dump the water on your friends now, or store it for drinking after the rainy season. A prepared traveler is a happy traveler.

In the event that your international vacation takes a turn for the worst, a bucket can be used as an emergency "get him out of our country" card. Simply invert the bucket and place it atop your head. Funny faces and intensely aberrant behavior will expedite the process.

Philosophically speaking, a bucket has intrinsic value to its owner. Should a psychiatrist attempt to steal your bucket from you and lock it away in a very small space, your bucket would greatly appreciate any attempt to preserve its dignity. Biting may be required.

Every traveler likes to bring home souvenirs of their journeys. As you leave the sanitarium bound for the airport, your bucket can function as a handy basket allowing you to collect various memories off the streets. A wad of gum, a half-bent coin, a scrap of yesterday's newspaper. One man's trash is another man's treasure.

I hope now you see the incredible usefulness of the common household bucket. Akin to the wheel, it is surely one of the most innovative inventions to come out of the imagination of mankind. So as you prepare to depart, keep these words in mind and please, don't forget to bring a bucket.



Like it or not, Pixels for Thought.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

It's Always The Door

Question: What does the phrase "big picture" mean to you?



Do all the details together make it?
Or is it larger than the sum of its parts?






I never liked history as a subject in school. I'm still not particularly fond of it, however I have recently come to the realization that it is not so much the topic I dislike, but rather the method in which it is frequently presented.

What is history? To the student, history is a burly assortment of scattered facts picked by a blindfolded professor right out of the timeline of human existence (as if he or she had a God-given right to do so), condensed and compressed into an ominous black thunder cloud until it is practically bursting at the seams, then coalesced into something known as a textbook (imagine that), on the cover of which is written either a wholly insufficient and indescriptive title (a la "American History") or one so remarkably conceited that, by the end of it, you feel like you've already read the textbook in its entirety and feel no more illuminated for it ("The Whole Entirety of American History: Revolution, Morality, Ethics, Religion, and Food, as Written by, Co-Authored by, Translated by, Spell-Checked by, Butchered by, and Ultimately Determined by Some French Guy Who Happened to Observe an American Tourist Strolling Casually Past his Flat One Thursday Afternoon on the Fifth of March"), which is how it is finally presented to the student in some kind of divine order (typically chronological) so as to, hopefully, teach a human lesson. After all, to get where we are going, we have to remember where we've been, right? (Do you remember where you stepped into this paragraph anymore?)

But what does all that really mean in the grand scheme of things? The facts and dates are scrupulously taught to the sponge-like student who is expected to later duplicate them on paper in exacting detail, but how does that help anyone?

"You," the stern-looked professor said, singling out a student, "on what day and by whom was the first shot of the American Revolution fired?"

"April nineteenth, seventeen seventy five at the Battle of Lexington and Concord," the student dutifully regurgitates, "but it is unknown who actually fired it."


Well that's just fine and dandy but--and I really mean this--I don't care.

(gasp)

I know, I know, I'm sorry. No, wait, not really and, at the risk of offending every teacher who has ever presumed to teach me anything, I'll say it again: I don't care.

Try asking me about its effect on the lives of the people surrounding that event. Maybe ask me how it changed civilization, society, and our culture, for better or worse, and how causality has created an endless wave of consequences throughout the timeline, like the ripples from a stone thrown into a pond. If you're daring, you may ask me how I feel about what took place, how I can either justify it or condemn the actions and morality of the individuals involved. But most importantly, don't forget to ask me about the ideas, those bottled up with ever-increasing pressure in the minds of the people, which ultimately could not be contained and burst forth as the ignition source of radical action.

Show me the big picture, or show me the door.



Like it or not, Pixels for Thought.