Broadcasting to you through the noise of the cities, Northward bound. This is Jon Quixote, jacking out.
My tiger friend has got the sled,
And I have packed a snack.
We're all set for the trip ahead.
We're never coming back!
We're abandoning this life we've led!
So long, Mom and Pop!
We're sick of doing what you've said,
And now it's going to stop!
We're going where it snows all year,
Where life can have real meaning.
A place where we won't have to hear,
"Your room could stand some cleaning."
The Yukon is the place for us!
That's where we want to live.
Up there we'll get to yell and cuss,
And act real primitive.
We'll never have to go to school,
Forced into submission,
By monstrous, crabby teachers who'll
Make us learn addition.
We'll never have to clean a plate,
Of veggie glops and goos.
Messily we'll masticate,
Using any fork we choose!
The timber wolves will be our friends.
We'll stay up late and howl,
At the moon, till nighttime ends,
Before going on the prowl.
Oh, what a life! We cannot wait,
To be in that arctic land,
Where we'll be masters of our fate,
And lead a life that's grand!
No more of parental rules!
We're heading for some snow!
Good riddance to those grown-up ghouls!
We're leaving! Yukon Ho!
~ Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes
Like it or not, Pixels for Thought.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Why
Innumerable.Unlimited.
Infinite.
Countless.
I can count the stars in the sky.
I can count the stars in the sky!!
...I'll soon fix that.
Like it or not, Pixels for Thought.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Quoth the Raven, 'Nevermore'
Blue screen of death. Honestly, haven't they fixed that yet?! It's only like the most reported Windows bug of all time!
...Wait, what?
...It's not actually a...
...Are you sure?
...Seriously??
...Alright...
Blue screen of death. Windows sucks. The end.
...Okay, maybe not quite the end. You see, I can't seem to get Windows working again since last night's defrag, and my patience for such things just isn't what it was before I started using an operating system that actually works. All I wanted was to build a new playlist to sync to my iPhone! Is that too much to ask? But nooOOOOooooo, Windows, being the evil Microsoft product that it is, was feeling lonely and neglected since my switch to Ubuntu and decided to exact some old-school revenge.
Of course, it doesn't help any that the machine in question just so happens to be trying to boot Vista. The poor thing.
In all fairness, though, it's not entirely Microsoft's fault. It's only ninety eight thousand percent Microsoft's fault. The other hundred and forty two billion percent of the blame lies with Creative Labs for being one of the worst managed companies around. Seriously, people, how about releasing a set of drivers that don't cause everyone's computers to explode in a brilliant ball of superheated gas, our keyboards to spontaneously melt as if dipped in that green acid which gave the Joker his sparkling smile, and all of our bases to belong to some guy in Russia who has nothing better to do with his time but hack into the totally unsecured graduate mainframes of colleges half the world away.
Boy, I tell you, sometimes it seems like the whole world's gone completely bonkers.
At least there's still Linux.
Go get 'em, Tux.
Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing spreadsheets.
Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer,
I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store,
Only this and nothing more.
Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing,
Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more.
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave not token.
"Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!"
One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more,
Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
Was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.
Carefully I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises.
The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more.
Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more,
From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
With fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key.
But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before.
Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore,
Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
I tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again, but twice as hard.
I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore.
Now in mighty desperation, trying random combinations,
Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before.
Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before.
Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted.
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And there I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night.
A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core.
The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore.
Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
To this day I do not know the place to which lost data go.
What demonic nether world us wrought where lost data will be stored,
Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes?
But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,
You will be one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore,
Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
~ Unknown Author
Like it or not, Pixels for Thought.
...Wait, what?
...It's not actually a...
...Are you sure?
...Seriously??
...Alright...
Blue screen of death. Windows sucks. The end.
...Okay, maybe not quite the end. You see, I can't seem to get Windows working again since last night's defrag, and my patience for such things just isn't what it was before I started using an operating system that actually works. All I wanted was to build a new playlist to sync to my iPhone! Is that too much to ask? But nooOOOOooooo, Windows, being the evil Microsoft product that it is, was feeling lonely and neglected since my switch to Ubuntu and decided to exact some old-school revenge.
Of course, it doesn't help any that the machine in question just so happens to be trying to boot Vista. The poor thing.
In all fairness, though, it's not entirely Microsoft's fault. It's only ninety eight thousand percent Microsoft's fault. The other hundred and forty two billion percent of the blame lies with Creative Labs for being one of the worst managed companies around. Seriously, people, how about releasing a set of drivers that don't cause everyone's computers to explode in a brilliant ball of superheated gas, our keyboards to spontaneously melt as if dipped in that green acid which gave the Joker his sparkling smile, and all of our bases to belong to some guy in Russia who has nothing better to do with his time but hack into the totally unsecured graduate mainframes of colleges half the world away.
Boy, I tell you, sometimes it seems like the whole world's gone completely bonkers.
At least there's still Linux.
Go get 'em, Tux.
Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing spreadsheets.
Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer,
I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store,
Only this and nothing more.
Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing,
Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more.
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave not token.
"Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!"
One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more,
Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
Was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.
Carefully I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises.
The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more.
Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more,
From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
With fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key.
But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before.
Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore,
Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
I tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again, but twice as hard.
I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore.
Now in mighty desperation, trying random combinations,
Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before.
Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before.
Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted.
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And there I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night.
A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core.
The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore.
Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
To this day I do not know the place to which lost data go.
What demonic nether world us wrought where lost data will be stored,
Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes?
But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,
You will be one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore,
Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
~ Unknown Author
Like it or not, Pixels for Thought.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
"Also, I Can Kill You With My Brain"
So Coleman saw fit to replace, at their expense, all the items that were missing from Monday's shipment. They just shipped the replacements today via USPS, and I have absolutely no idea if they will arrive in time thanks to their remarkable failure to give me a tracking number.
Brilliant.
I bought one or two more last thought items for my camping trip from Walmart today because Home Depot wanted me to pay six dollars for a dust pan and does not yet stock citronella candles. While there, I ran into an old buddy of mine, Clarence, who used to work at Home Depot's Pro Desk. We had a nice chat about all of us who have recently found that there is, in fact, life after Home Depot, despite what the management would have us believe, and that gosh darn it wouldn't you know, it ain't half bad!
Speaking of Home Depot...
Tips for running a successful business from someone who knows absolutely all there is to know about running successful businesses:
...I'm not bitter.
But speaking of bitterness...
Tips for those who wish to quit a job whose management exhibits one, several, or all of the fatal flaws (fatal to you, not the management) outlined above, from someone who has succeeded:
Hammocks are awesome.
Everyone, upon entering this world, should be given a hammock and two trees to string it between. Hammocks come in many flavors: There are some for affixing to trees, some which utilize a stand, and some for traveling. Some hammocks are built for one person, and others are built for two. If you don't already own a hammock, you should acquire one right now. If you do own a hammock, then why are you reading this instead of swinging in it?!*
*If you are reading this from a laptop or other mobile device while swinging in your hammock, then you may disregard my prior criticism as it was not intended for you.
Like it or not, Pixels for Thought.
Brilliant.
I bought one or two more last thought items for my camping trip from Walmart today because Home Depot wanted me to pay six dollars for a dust pan and does not yet stock citronella candles. While there, I ran into an old buddy of mine, Clarence, who used to work at Home Depot's Pro Desk. We had a nice chat about all of us who have recently found that there is, in fact, life after Home Depot, despite what the management would have us believe, and that gosh darn it wouldn't you know, it ain't half bad!
Speaking of Home Depot...
Tips for running a successful business from someone who knows absolutely all there is to know about running successful businesses:
- Do not fire your employees for something they allegedly were seen doing from the other end of the building, through twenty isles, and around a corner by someone who wears glasses thicker than the glass holding back the vacuum of space on the International Space Station, especially when such tall talk is heard from a very reliable source through a slightly less reliable intermediary channel who got it from an infamous and completely unreliable bumbling lunatic.
- Do not stand outside the building waiting for your employees to arrive for their daily shift to tell them that they needn't punch in just so you can see the looks on their faces of simultaneous joy at finally having a day off and absolute horror when the realization sets in that their lives are governed by an enormous beast which requires endless sacrifices of green paper to satiate its incredible thirst and keep its left and right arms, fingers, toes, and middle fingers at bay
- ...and then wonder why there's no one in your store to help your customers, who promptly walk out the door and across the street to your competition.
- Do not deprive your employees of hours so that your gross profit margin ratio is higher than every other store's in the district so you can earn an obscenely large bonus at the end of the year and that all expenses paid vacation to any Caribbean island of your choosing.
- Do not tell the remaining three employees under your command that they each need to work eight times as hard to compensate for all the people who "called out" that day.
- Do not deny your employees time off on every major holiday of the year, spanning twelve different cultural and religious calendars.
- Do not, when an employee comes to tell you that he or she is quitting and has found a new job, try to convince him or her that quitting would not be in their best interest because your brother owns a business which competes directly with that new job of theirs and will surely buy them out in a year or two's time.
- Do not treat your employees as if their brain cavity was filled with: Copper wiring and microcircuitry, mashed potatoes, or dark matter.
...I'm not bitter.
But speaking of bitterness...
Tips for those who wish to quit a job whose management exhibits one, several, or all of the fatal flaws (fatal to you, not the management) outlined above, from someone who has succeeded:
- You know that two weeks of vacation time you've got saved up? Request it. Note how much sick time you have on the books while you're at it.
- Once your vacation time has been approved, there is a very good chance that you will take ill. Fate just has a way of conspiring against you that way.
- While enjoying your latest bout with that nasty stomach virus that's been going around, feel free to enjoy a good book. I recommend The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams. Other interesting ways to pass the time in between trips to the bathroom include:
- Taking a hiking trip; there's nothing like the great outdoors to help one recover from sudden illness.
- Renting a kayak and finding the nearest lake to paddle on; the doctor did say that you should get plenty of fluids.
- Go for a run; a vigorous workout always helps me get well quicker.
- Bring a friend! You should have known that these types of illnesses are highly contagious. What were you thinking?
- On the last day of work before your two weeks of vacation begin, find an assistant manager who is unaware of your impending vacation and give them your two week's notice.
- Begin enjoying your life after Home Depot, or whatever other bonds you are freeing yourself from.
- No power in the 'verse...
Hammocks are awesome.Everyone, upon entering this world, should be given a hammock and two trees to string it between. Hammocks come in many flavors: There are some for affixing to trees, some which utilize a stand, and some for traveling. Some hammocks are built for one person, and others are built for two. If you don't already own a hammock, you should acquire one right now. If you do own a hammock, then why are you reading this instead of swinging in it?!*
*If you are reading this from a laptop or other mobile device while swinging in your hammock, then you may disregard my prior criticism as it was not intended for you.
Like it or not, Pixels for Thought.
Monday, May 12, 2008
Caution: Trip Hazard
The final package arrived today. It came a bit later than I had expected, but it's here in one piece....Wait, no it's not!
One layer of tape was insufficient!
A second layer of tape was applied, and was also insufficient!
The top was half opened because the first two layers of tape were insufficient!
Consequently, the smaller items had all fallen out!
And I used to like UPS.
Businessmen gather around a long, narrow table for their weekly board meeting. They are mostly dressed in solid black suits, with the occasional rebellious pinstripe. A secretary delivers coffee and one very expensive thirteen shot venti soy hazelnut vanilla cinnamon white mocha with extra white mocha and caramel. This particular drink costs more than the secretary will make this evening. Once the excitement dissipates, a projector comes to life and the board director opens:
"Now, ladies and gentlemen, how could this have happened? Let us analyze some possible scenarios so that we may prevent such unfortunate mishaps in the future:"
Little Maddy tripped today.
"I'm okay," she said, "I'm okay!"
Drop of blood, apply band-aid.
Little Maddy fall, go boom.
Ambulance ride.
Like it or not, Pixels for Thought.
One layer of tape was insufficient!
A second layer of tape was applied, and was also insufficient!
The top was half opened because the first two layers of tape were insufficient!
Consequently, the smaller items had all fallen out!
And I used to like UPS.
Businessmen gather around a long, narrow table for their weekly board meeting. They are mostly dressed in solid black suits, with the occasional rebellious pinstripe. A secretary delivers coffee and one very expensive thirteen shot venti soy hazelnut vanilla cinnamon white mocha with extra white mocha and caramel. This particular drink costs more than the secretary will make this evening. Once the excitement dissipates, a projector comes to life and the board director opens:
"Now, ladies and gentlemen, how could this have happened? Let us analyze some possible scenarios so that we may prevent such unfortunate mishaps in the future:"
- Scenario 1: While packaging the materials, the child was unable to reach the top of the box and was, as a result, unable to properly seal the top closed.
Solution for Scenario 1: Enforce child labor laws!!
A Slightly More Plausible Scenario 2: An adult worker is now in charge of packaging the materials and, being paid less than minimum wage, only concerns himself with packaging quality up to two separate taping attempts. Upon failure of his second taping attempt, his shoulders met his neck exhibiting the tell-tale slightly-less-than-concerned shrug and he sent the package on its merry way, destined to spill its contents across the continental United States from Wichita, Kansas to the Northeastern States.
Solution for Scenario 2: I think this one is quite obvious, but I'll say it anyway for the less intuitive readers. Provide better dental benefits to employees! Dirty mouth? Proper tooth care results in a happier, cleaner feeling mouth, which is reflected in all the bright smiles of each and every worker as they carefully and dutifully fill, seal, and ship hundreds of packages a day while looking forward to the end-of-shift whistle only to return home to a messy apartment a quarter the size it should be, a distraught wife sewing fabric to sell on eBay, and seven little bees buzzing up and down the walls leaving their dirty little footprints all over the furniture because someone reported a child labor law violation and now they're stuck at home all day.
Least Plausible of All Scenarios, Scenario 3: It was nobody's fault, the package just happened to come undone somewhere en route, and they'll very likely ship me replacement parts when I call them tomorrow morning.
Little Maddy tripped today.
"I'm okay," she said, "I'm okay!"
Drop of blood, apply band-aid.
Little Maddy fall, go boom.
Ambulance ride.
Like it or not, Pixels for Thought.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Cat Food Emergency
For all the two and a half people who have actually read (past tense) my blog Jon Quixote was There! A day in the life of a Therian avatar the past couple years, there's really no need for me to explain my extremely esoteric, flagrantly flamboyant, abundantly absolute, decidedly dislocated and never ever even one tiny bit sarcastic yet nevertheless unabridgidly ubiquitous method of pontification.
For the rest of you, if you haven't already, this would be a perfect opportunity to experiment with Google's fabulous "Next Blog" feature at the top of this page.
Right then, down to business. This here is what we refer to as a "creative outlet". This almost guarantees that every single idea and concept written down here is, in some form or another, exaggerated upon, delineated, dramatized, misconceived, trans-interpreted, otherwise skewed, or just plain good old fashioned made up. Take all of it to heart. Reflect upon it. Allow it to penetrate your inner soul and it will enrich you, I promise.
Ben & Jerry's in the freezer, chicken on the grill, tuna in the sandwich, and not an ounce of cat food in sight! The poor things would have starved had I not made a trip to the supermarket at ten o'clock tonight! They only eat the good stuff.
In other news, it looks as if the final supplies for my excursion up North will be arriving sometime tomorrow via UPS! This means it's almost time to pack. The Old Farmer's Almanac had better be right about the weather this month. I love the rain and all, but have you ever tried to start a camp fire in it? Further updates as events warrant.
Most of the challenges in life are the ones we create for ourselves. I am particularly adept at creating such challenges and, to a lesser extent, at finding some way to overcome them. This trip to New Hampshire was spawned out of an immediate need for less structure and logical planning in my life. If you're lucky, you might just get to see a few photographs of the gorgeous White Mountains in the coming weeks. If I'm lucky, it might not be just another dead end. Keep an eye out for links to my Flickr page for the pretties.
Final warning: Any intelligent thoughts which may inexplicably escape and find their way in here from time to time usually are coincidental. If you read closely enough, however, in the process of deconstructing these chaotic thoughts and sifting through my tendency to over-embellish, you just might discover something of value. Then again, you could also come to realize that I've simply found a creative way of wasting your time.
Like it or not, Pixels for Thought.
For the rest of you, if you haven't already, this would be a perfect opportunity to experiment with Google's fabulous "Next Blog" feature at the top of this page.
Right then, down to business. This here is what we refer to as a "creative outlet". This almost guarantees that every single idea and concept written down here is, in some form or another, exaggerated upon, delineated, dramatized, misconceived, trans-interpreted, otherwise skewed, or just plain good old fashioned made up. Take all of it to heart. Reflect upon it. Allow it to penetrate your inner soul and it will enrich you, I promise.
Ben & Jerry's in the freezer, chicken on the grill, tuna in the sandwich, and not an ounce of cat food in sight! The poor things would have starved had I not made a trip to the supermarket at ten o'clock tonight! They only eat the good stuff.
In other news, it looks as if the final supplies for my excursion up North will be arriving sometime tomorrow via UPS! This means it's almost time to pack. The Old Farmer's Almanac had better be right about the weather this month. I love the rain and all, but have you ever tried to start a camp fire in it? Further updates as events warrant.
Most of the challenges in life are the ones we create for ourselves. I am particularly adept at creating such challenges and, to a lesser extent, at finding some way to overcome them. This trip to New Hampshire was spawned out of an immediate need for less structure and logical planning in my life. If you're lucky, you might just get to see a few photographs of the gorgeous White Mountains in the coming weeks. If I'm lucky, it might not be just another dead end. Keep an eye out for links to my Flickr page for the pretties.
Final warning: Any intelligent thoughts which may inexplicably escape and find their way in here from time to time usually are coincidental. If you read closely enough, however, in the process of deconstructing these chaotic thoughts and sifting through my tendency to over-embellish, you just might discover something of value. Then again, you could also come to realize that I've simply found a creative way of wasting your time.
Like it or not, Pixels for Thought.
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