"Also, I Can Kill You With My Brain"

So Coleman saw fit to replace, at their expense, all the items that were missing from Monday's shipment. They just shipped the replacements today via USPS, and I have absolutely no idea if they will arrive in time thanks to their remarkable failure to give me a tracking number.

Brilliant.

I bought one or two more last thought items for my camping trip from Walmart today because Home Depot wanted me to pay six dollars for a dust pan and does not yet stock citronella candles. While there, I ran into an old buddy of mine, Clarence, who used to work at Home Depot's Pro Desk. We had a nice chat about all of us who have recently found that there is, in fact, life after Home Depot, despite what the management would have us believe, and that gosh darn it wouldn't you know, it ain't half bad!


Speaking of Home Depot...

Tips for running a successful business from someone who knows absolutely all there is to know about running successful businesses:

1. Do not fire your employees for something they allegedly were seen doing from the other end of the building, through twenty isles, and around a corner by someone who wears glasses thicker than the glass holding back the vacuum of space on the International Space Station, especially when such tall talk is heard from a very reliable source through a slightly less reliable intermediary channel who got it from an infamous and completely unreliable bumbling lunatic.


2. Do not stand outside the building waiting for your employees to arrive for their daily shift to tell them that they needn't punch in just so you can see the looks on their faces of simultaneous joy at finally having a day off and absolute horror when the realization sets in that their lives are governed by an enormous beast which requires endless sacrifices of green paper to satiate its incredible thirst and keep its left and right arms, fingers, toes, and middle fingers at bay


3. ...and then wonder why there's no one in your store to help your customers, who promptly walk out the door and across the street to your competition.


4. Do not deprive your employees of hours so that your gross profit margin ratio is higher than every other store's in the district so you can earn an obscenely large bonus at the end of the year and that all expenses paid vacation to any Caribbean island of your choosing.


5. Do not tell the remaining three employees under your command that they each need to work eight times as hard to compensate for all the people who "called out" that day.
   


6. Do not deny your employees time off on every major holiday of the year, spanning twelve different cultural and religious calendars.


7. Do not, when an employee comes to tell you that he or she is quitting and has found a new job, try to convince him or her that quitting would not be in their best interest because your brother owns a business which competes directly with that new job of theirs and will surely buy them out in a year or two's time.


8. Do not treat your employees as if their brain cavity was filled with: Copper wiring and microcircuitry, mashed potatoes, or dark matter.

...I'm not bitter.



But speaking of bitterness...

Tips for those who wish to quit a job whose management exhibits one, several, or all of the fatal flaws (fatal to you, not the management) outlined above, from someone who has succeeded:

1. You know that two weeks of vacation time you've got saved up? Request it. Note how much sick time you have on the books while you're at it.


2. Once your vacation time has been approved, there is a very good chance that you will take ill. Fate just has a way of conspiring against you that way.
   


3. While enjoying your latest bout with that nasty stomach virus that's been going around, feel free to enjoy a good book. I recommend The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams. Other interesting ways to pass the time in between trips to the bathroom include:
   
   • Taking a hiking trip; there's nothing like the great outdoors to help one recover from sudden illness.
   • Renting a kayak and finding the nearest lake to paddle on; the doctor did say that you should get plenty of fluids.
   • Go for a run; a vigorous workout always helps me get well quicker.
   • Bring a friend! You should have known that these types of illnesses are highly contagious. What were you thinking?
     


4. On the last day of work before your two weeks of vacation begin, find an assistant manager who is unaware of your impending vacation and give them your two week's notice.


5. Begin enjoying your life after Home Depot, or whatever other bonds you are freeing yourself from.

No power in the 'verse...

Hammocks are awesome.

Everyone, upon entering this world, should be given a hammock and two trees to string it between. Hammocks come in many flavors: There are some for affixing to trees, some which utilize a stand, and some for traveling. Some hammocks are built for one person, and others are built for two. If you don't already own a hammock, you should acquire one right now. If you do own a hammock, then why are you reading this instead of swinging in it?!*


*If you are reading this from a laptop or other mobile device while swinging in your hammock, then you may disregard my prior criticism as it was not intended for you.


Like it or not, Pixels for Thought.