Herbal Chicken-Flavored Almost Better Than Perfect Vegetable Rice with Real Grilled Chicken of DOOM (but it could use pork) Like Momma Used to Make!

Sit back, my friend, and I shall tell you a tale of incredible intrigue and profound wonder. A tale of such clever mystique that it will have you gripping the very edge of your seat! You will hear of great deception and baneful betrayal, of timeless love and woeful loss, for this is tale told from the heart and, as any good story, it begins not far from here...


Once upon a time, there lived a happy little chicken. This chicken has nothing at all to do with the title of this story; however, he had this friend who absolutely loved peanut butter and crackers. One frightful day, as our chicken's friend was walking home, an ominous chord thundered through the sky. His apocalypse was at hand. The stars and moon had aligned and our chicken's friend knew his time on Earth was limited--not at an end, not coming to an end, but he suddenly came face to face with his own shocking mortality.

Meanwhile, three houses down the road, through the back yard, across the stream, up a tree, and in a squirrel's nest there lived a mongoose. Yes, this mongoose was raised by squirrels. Unaware of his true heritage, and mostly due to his size and unusual cravings for worms, grubs, and the occasional young wildabeast, this mongoose always felt different. This is a coming of age story for one mongoose named Flapper Jackswitch.

But be warned! This is not a tale for the feint of heart! It is a tale of such tragedy and such frightful terror that all ye with weak constitutions should cease reading immediately and return to your blissfully ignorant lives! For three towns over lived Flapper's best friend, who had a particular fondness for half-cooked fries. Fully cooked fries, he argued, simply had too much flavor. Then, in the dark of night last Thursday, Flapper's best friend burned his last bag of frozen crinkle-cut spuddy goodness. A shriek of utter horror pierced the ether.

Listening to that ether through a patented ether-listening Gizwit Funnel was a mad scientist who sat on the board of directors of the Second Order of Ethical Mad Scientists. The Second Order of Ethical Mad Scientists is as much a success as the Hindenburg or the Titanic. Don't even get me started on the First Order. The Second Order was contracted to make an almost better than perfect peanut butter and cracker. Their final recipe--one part antifreeze, two parts Windex, a dash of arsenic, and two whole peanuts layered in between two stale cracker halves--resulted in one very dead friend of our chicken who has nothing to do with the title of this story.

Three houses down the road, Flapper Jackswitch, our mongoose raised by squirrels, has lost his lifelong mentor to food poisoning. Undaunted, Flapper pushes on, forging his own path in life. But the journey ahead is perilous, much like an idea hatched by Flapper's best friend with the peculiar half-cooked french fry fetish. Last Thursday, he thought to cook his fries in the dark in a defective toaster, thus causing him to inadvertently burn down his house which lead him to release the horrendously frightening shriek of horror which was heard by the mad scientist through his patented ether-listening Gizwit Funnel thing. Coincidentally, this frightening shriek of horror was the same ominous chord heard by the friend of our chicken who has nothing to do with the title of this story. The same friend who now lies cold and motionless beneath a pile of ashes and burnt crinkle-cut fries. The same friend who was once a lifelong mentor to Flapper Jackswitch, our mongoose raised by squirrels.

Just how did Flapper come to a life raised by squirrels, you ask? Well, I'll tell you. It's quite simple really. Remember that First Order of Ethical Mad Scientists I spoke of? Well, you see, after you woke up this morning and on your way out the door, you greeted your neighbor as he was pulling out of his driveway on the way to a meeting of the First Order of Ethical Mad Scientists. In that fateful moment, your neighbor was briefly distracted and drove straight through a mongoose nest. A single mongoose survived, our friend, Flapper Jackswitch. In a compassionate frenzy, you saved young Flapper and, carrying him to the nearest tree, you dropped him in the first nest you saw. This nest was a squirrel's nest. You probably don't quite remember all this, but you hadn't had your morning coffee yet.

Oh, by the way, did you know that coffee is the only successful product to come out of the First Order of Ethical Mad Scientists? It is a mind-altering agent designed to create a complacent populace which would facilitate the goal of world domination for any secret society of mad scientists who may be so determined. Coincidentally, your neighbor knew full well what he was doing when he delivered that Box O' Tainted Joe to your doorstep two days prior.

But anyways, not to get off track...





Here, have a cup of coffee.











Like it or not, Pixels for Thought.